Today was not an okay day. I feel empty and lost. Pretty much.
Me & Travis are fighting. I don't know whats going on with him, but it doesn't feel the same & honestley, I don't want to remember him anymore. I don't have the strength. He helped me a lot when it came to Febreeze. He prevented me from talking to him, or hanging out with him. He made me feel better when all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep...but now it's all fading quickly.
So I talked to Febreeze last night & then Tegan started texting me...talk about random...because we haven't talked for a long long long long time. He's my best friend...He's like the brother I never had. He's pretty much amazing. He asked me what I was doing, and I said talking to Matt & Travis, and he flipped. He's like, I leave you & you go back to him?! I laughed, because he was all serious. and he gave me the '20 good reasons Becca should never talk to Matt' again. and so i stopped texting Matt. :) I guess I'm realizing that boys aren't worth it anymore. i don't even want a boyfriend. Dalton's okay, but personally I don't think we're all that serious...
and Travis? yeah, well, I'll have to get back to you on that.

...i realized im in love with you while waiting for you to text me back...pathetic? yeah, you could say that..

it shouldn't bother me as much as it does when he doesn't text back right away...but it does. So maybe I'm overreacting? Yeah, I'd say. We talked just about all day yesterday while he was working down at the elevator, and I was 'doing nothing'. I haven't told him yet I'm going to MN...but I doubt he cares anyways. He doesn't seem to want to hang out, nor do I want to hang out with him at the moment either. I'm trying to work on my physical appearance. and I don't want anyonne commenting on that. he texted me yesterday saying "rise and shine" and today I got "wake up sleepy head" I need to resist texting him back anyways because I can't keep going over on my texting. My grandpa's getting all shook up about it. Although personally I think it's worth it for who I'm talking to.

I'm excited to go to MN because I need to get away from this place. Everything around here reminds me of him. All the gravel roads we've drove down, being at the park together, seeing him in the hallway, yeah. Even my own house! Good greif. Well I'm in Biology right now & I have nothing to do. There's still like 10 minutes left. Should I check to see if he texted me back yet?

....wait for it....

god dammit.

yes, he didn't text me back. shut up. good lord.

well, I'm going to go now, and possibly cry. this is so dumb.

I'm upset. I'm upset that you don't want the same things I do. I'm upset that you don't think about me constantly, because lord knows i think about you. I'm mad at you. You just drag me along making me think everything will be alright. You lied. It's not alright. I'm hurt. My heart doesn't work right. It hurts when you walk all over it like you do. I'm stupid enough to let you keep doing it though. I'm sad. I would like to cry, but then that would be showing you I'm weak. Knowing you, you'd take advantage of that. Like you take advantage of me. Of my vulnerability. I'd like for nothing more than to fall asleep without you on my mind. I'd love to not care if you don't talk to me for a day, or if you happened to fall off the face of the earth. That'd be okay with me. No of course not. I hate this. I hate it so much. Do you not have a heart? AHH! Just rip my fucking heart out..

not like it would be any different than it is now anyways...

He hasn't texted me since Sunday night...all because I have my lady monster. ho-hum. I didn't want to get my hopes up for anything...a little too late

i don't want to miss you. I'm pretty sure I don't need you.

I talked to Febreeze for awhile yesterday on the way home & idk. He keeps saying he misses me & blah blah blah. ahh. i told him i have my lady monster & then he didn't seem to want to hang out. so i told him to prove to me that he misses me & he's like 'easy' and i told him to explain & he said he can't, he'd have to show me...and idk. i told him when i was like an hour & 1/2 away, and he never texted back cause he was working. but he never texted back after that either. He just never texted back period. I don't understand. I feel sort of empty. I don't know whats going on & I hate that. I mean he said he wants to be 'together' but my term of being together is people knowing. not having to sneak out. thats the whole point of being together. no more lies. i want to be able to say where I'm going & who I'm going with. I want to be able to go to a movie with him, and not have to hide & duck & make up something if someone sees us together. I want to introduce him to my grandparents the right way & idk. I know it'll never be that way exactly with him, but thats what I want. maybe going back to him is a really bad idea. but I still love him to death. i never stopped. and I still want what I've always wanted with him. still. this is all so frustrating. i won't go to him first, and i won't tell him i love him. i'm not ready for that. I'm not waiting around for him. I don't need him, really. I just want him. and yes, I do miss him too.

*you're still the only one*

I've never actually hung out with Matt & not done anything besides talk & kiss. Honest to God. Thats like all we did last night...and ahh. idk. It's just weird, it's like it's not even real. I'm not in reality. I don't understand it. But I'm pretty sure neither of us have the intention of getting serious again...well he sort of does...but we don't really talk about it. I don't know. I'm tired. and my head hurts. I really didn't want to go to school today. I wanted to just sleep forever. and ever. and ever.
Travis is being weird...like anti-social. Well I guess I am too. Idk. He's too far away. I just wanna talk to him, like a pen-pal type of thing. He's sort of sexual in some ways & it's really weird. Like it wasn't that bad at first so I didn't really say anything & I just played along with it; then it started getting worse. idk.
Me & Dalton aren't really talking. I mean, he texted me one night. and i didn't text him back. I'm not going to either, yeah I guess I'm giving up in some ways. Not completely..but I just wanna do what'll make me happy & he stresses me out. I want to tell him that maybe we should see other people but I know he'll flip shit on me. Of course. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do anymore. Go with the flow I guess..
I'm still thinking about Febreeze. We talked about like when we first hung out, and when he got chased down by my dad, and I told him that I'm amazed that he didn't give up on me. He said he tried, really did, and he couldn't. thats why he'd say the mean things to me, hoping I'D be the one to walk away because he couldn't. Like when he said I was just another piece of ass to him...he didn't mean it. He wanted me to leave. I guess I sort of did, and then he said that he felt blah without me, like his life had no meaning and thats why he came back. I told him how I've always felt...how I loved him so much and I felt like he only wanted one thing from me. But you know when you look at the big picture, that wasn't really it at all. He did go through a lot for me. Crawling through windows, crawling OUT of windows, getting chased by my dad, interference with a cop, enduring the cold...as I've gone through a lot for him too. I've lied over and over again just for him & I've snuck out & gotten so close to getting caught. I've been grounded and blah blah blah. Yeah, we talkked about all that stuff. & I asked him why he didn't leave and he simply said: "because I can't."

I'm trying desperatley not to fall in love with you.

I don't have the option of denial because I've already tried that. I really do like Travis, but I've been hanging out with Febreeze a lot more now & I'm getting attached. Granted it isn't hard for me to NOT talk to him, but the more he talks to me & the more he comes around the more I get attached. Easy cycle. I hung out with him last night, an dwe didn't do anything too spectacular. Mostly just talked...he wants me to stay the night some night, and I pretty much already told him I can't. It got really weird because he was sober, and normal. He wasn't high or anything. He was the Matt I first met. We talked about music, and stupid people...and we played the game truth. I asked him why he doesn't get a girlfriend, and he said 'because there's this one girl i really like, but I'm too scared to admit i like her, and i don't really want anyone else but her...' and i really didn't catch on at first, and I tried to make small talk so I didn't seem jealous, and he just started talking really fast, and I didn't catch it all but he's like 'im scared to tell you this because its more than ive felt before & i dont know what to do really. but i dont like being away from you. i dont like not talking to you. i dont like that you think im a player and i use you. i want you to be my real girlfriend. i want to marry you someday. i can see myself with you forever and thats never happened to me before with a girl. and i know you dont feel the same way bc of what i did before, but i know ill always feel this way. even if you dont. i won't ever find anyone to replace you.' and yeah...i just sat there speechless. thats the first time he's really said that stuff to me in person and i had nothing to say back. i think he's right, i don't think I can make myself go back to him. I'm scared of being hurt again, and it's hard to tell if he means what he says or not. maybe he does like me a lot now that we're both aware of each others intentions and we know each other a little better...but i dont want to keep anything a secret & he already has a bad reputation w/ pretty much everyone. I think being in a relationship w/ him would be too frustrating. I wonder what he's thinking about right now. He's probably sleeping...i wish i could be. I don't know what to do...I know no one wants me to be with him, and I'd have a lot of people mad at me for it...but maybe I should just let go of my opinions and restraints and follow my heart for once?

I really do like Travis, but I've come to reality, and in all reality he lives in Pennsylvania, and although I adore him, and his smile, it'd never work like we both want it to. Not only does he not know I'm only 16 & a sophomore in High School, but he also doesn't know that I'm often times an emotional wreck & I'm really independent. He doesn't know my favorite color, he's not aware of what I'm like when I'm hyper. There's a lot he doesn't know about me, and a lot I don't know about him. and he's too far away. He's good to talk to though, he makes me feel tons better. :)

words aren't words until you mean what you say && love isn't love until you give it away.

I'll say all the words that I know>just to see if it would show that I'm trying to let you know that I'm better off on my own.

I'm an emotional wreck. Just about the definition of it. I don't even know where to start.

I'm not talking to Dalton, because I'm tired of being the only one who tries. I always end up being the one to hold everything together & I'm tired of it. He obviously doesn't care if we hang out..or talk..or even ever see each other for that matter. My question is this: will it ever get easier? Or am I always going to get stuck in this mess..with someone who clearly doesn't care about me? He's pretty good at putting on a show, making me think he's the best boyfriend ever..but I'm tired of sitting in the audience watching it over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore other than just take a break from him. Step back & take a breath to reassure myself it'll all be alright.

I hung out with Febreeze last night. Yes, I cheated on my boyfriend. If thats what you even want to call him..I know it was foolish..but I feel like I'm blinded, and I don't think before I act. We didn't do anything other than make out. Which doesn't make it any better, I know. Its just nice to be with someone who is a pro at pretending they care. At least I feel safe, and happy when I'm in his arms. He holds me like he's going to lose me & I feel as though it's where I'm meant to be. I don't regret last night at all. The only thing I regret is not being completely honest with him & telling him how I feel. But how do I feel? Do i want to be with him? Yes, I do...I miss him. I miss talking to him on the phone & I miss having him there to make me laugh. Was he the best option for me? No, not in the least bit, but I can't say I deserve better. granted he makes really stupid choices, and says really stupid things at times, but if I look really hard, I can see past all that, he just needs someone there to help him. . . kinda like I do..I mean am I really better than him? I mess with boys's heads all the time. Making them think I like them, & then walking away. I really can't say I'm any better of an example. Granted I don't try & get in their pants ASAP, but maybe thats all he knows how to do. Really wouldn't suprise me. I do miss him. But idk if it's HIM i miss...or just who I thought he was.

& then there's Travis...this is probably as ridiculous as it gets...but you know, I'm okay with that. I met him on Speeddate, which is probably the most ridiculous part in the least. I went on there because its fun to mess with people, and just meet new people (not for dating purposes persay) and it just so happens we sort of clicked. He is sort of like all the other guys, as in he does like sexual things, but he's not forcive about it, and he doesn't really pressure me into it. But my indecisive mind keeps telling me he's not just another boy. I feel as though I'm addicted to him. I could talk to him for days on end...and when ever he smiles I HAVE to smile. He's adorable, and funny, and perfect in all the wrong ways. he lives in Pennsylvania..and he's already looked up on Hotwire how much it'd cost to come see me. $1,008. Thats hypothetically how much it'd cost if he ever did...but we both wish we lived closer. He says that all the time. I told him he scares the living hell out of me, because I'm just a girl who's scared of being let down...and I feel something pulling me closer & closer to him. It's something I don't even think I can control. He said that even though we've only been talking for 2 days he feels as though he could love me & I sort of feel the same way, not going as far as 'love' though. I really do like him. I just don't know what to do...I don't want to become attached only to have to let go & forget about the hurt that might be caused later...ahh :(

So as I was saying, there's a lot of boy troubles going on right now..it's almost as bad as the high school drama. I just don't trust Dalton, I don't trust him as much as I trust Febreeze...& that's definitley not good. I don't know whats wrong with my heart..i think its defective..

*Fuck, I wanted to marry you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But you had to fuck everything up. Whatever, fuck it.*

I love you & hate you all at the same time...

You make me happy when we're together, but then when I'm trying to figure out when we're going to hang out the next day I'm always the one going to the limit. doing whatever I can to see you. while all you have to do is sit there. It's frustrating. But all i have to do is look at you, feel your touch and you're forgiven. I have my doubts that you 'love' me. because all you ever want is something sexual...we don't kiss alot. but you think you're ready to go on to the next step? i think we need to work on our relationship a lot. We don't talk a lot...and if we do it's because I texted you first...you don't really like talking on the phone either, because you don't have enough time? I mean really...we want totally different things in relationships it seems. but I want to be with you forever...how does that make sense? It wouldn't surprise me if I found out you were cheating on me either...and thats the reason you stayed with me regardless that I wasn't meeting your needs. I'm sure you have other girls to do that. How is this even a relationship if I feel this way? You make my nerves go 100 + mph. But you're breaking my heart at the same time. This honestly doesn't make any sense. I wish someone would love me because I have beautiful eyes, or because my smile brightens their day. I wish that someone wanted to be with me everyday and would go to any limit to be with me. I wish you would call me at 4 in the morning just to tell me that you couldn't sleep because you were thinking about me, Dalton. I wish that you were the guy that I could fall in love with, and stay in love with forever. but I don't think thats you...

I'm not the type of girl who gives up, though. So here it goes....one last try.

ouch.

I'm in studyhall, just sitting here...my whole entire body hurts. My head, my arms, my chest, my throat, my hands, did I mention my head?! So Ashley Eaton makes me mad at times. She tells ME not to have sex with MY boyfriend...yet she's had sex with 3 different guys that she didn't even go out with for HALF as long as I've been going out with Dalton. I think I can take care of myself, you know...I mean I've been through enough. I'm not easy...if I want to have sex with someone, I'll have sex with him...I don't need someone who doesn't even know anything about me anymore to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I'm not stupid. I don't just jump in bed with anyone, and Dalton wouldn't make me do anything like that unless I wanted to. It just pisses me off she thinks I would. Matt was a whole different situation, and it's long gone with Matt. It's over. Let me move on, I can do it alone. I'm a big girl for God's sake. Anyways...now that I got that off my chest...I think I'm going to stay home tomorrow. Because my body hurts so bad I can't focus on anything. I miss Dalton. I wanna talk to him. :) I can't wait for halloween. I'm so excited. :) :) I don't really have a whole lot left to say. I just need to sleep. But I have community service after this, for an hour :( ouch.

ohhh Dalton, how you make me smile :)

Yesterday I got to hang out with Dalton for like 3 hours. It was great. Even though I got Tara mad at me...We watched stepbrothers, and he made me laugh a lot. He got my sisters approval, which is kind of funny. She came to pick me up, and got out and shook hands with him and everything, and then we hugged, and kissed, and i left. When we were texting each other last night, I was saying how my sisters pretty & blah blah blah, and he's like "yeah she is, but so are you." and I said "yeah. I'm sure I'll prolly look like her when I'm older. hopfully. And have someone love me as much as dustin loves her." and he's like I bet i could match that. so I told him all the cute things dustin does...and he's like yep. I could double that. :) It was adorable. Then his goodbye isn't goodbye. It's always just I love you. Because he said that he doesn't want 'bye' to be the last thing I hear. He wants the last thing I hear from him to be I love you, so I always know that. :) It's so cute. He might be able to come to the Jaycees haunted house with me, kels, and jonny. That'd be sooo fun. I was telling him I might chicken out, cause I'm a scardy cat, and he said if he goes, I have to go. Because he wants someone to hold on to. <3>

I feel like we actually sort of have something now...idk how to explain it. We hang out more now, and sort of talk more. So it's easier. I don't feel so lost anymore. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not that dependent on him, but I wouldn't want to go a day without talking to him. I think I am actually feeling the real kind of love though. Because it feels like a soft breeze blowing through my hair. When I'm with him everything is ok. I'm calm. My heart slows pace, and we breathe the same rythum. I miss him already...

d.a.k.o.t.a <3's>

It's gonna take 97 missed calls to finally get over you*

This used to be about Craig...well now I got a bigger problem. Febreeze. I want to be with him so bad. I keep telling myself that I'm going to make him come after me...make him text me first. Well last night, unlike the night before, I texted him...and he did text back. I told him to guess what I was doing, and he said 'idk'. All the sudden I just had a wave of disapointment wash over me. And it emotionally wore me down to nothing. I feel as if I can't feel anything at all. All I want is him to love me. For us to have a relationship, to be together. To get married someday. Have our own house. A puppy, have kids of our own. That's what I want with him.

So he finally texted me back........he asked me where I was driving, and I told him Baltic. Then he said 'what when where why.' I explained, saying I'm going because the love of my life lives near there, and I want to be with him. He asked how long, and I said I don't know yet...maybe three days. Now he asked me if I'm by myself. I said yes & I'm scared. Tara is going to kill me. My sister is going to kill me.

My phone is going to die.

Why do I love him so much? I can't even help it. I hate it.