love--such a beautiful thing when it's as real as the sunshine beating on your skin.

Love changes all the time. Sometimes it takes a turn for the worst, otherwise it gets better. I don't know which way I'm being led to be completely honest with you. I'm moving on from Febreeze, granted yeah I miss him, but he was a big part of my life no matter how stupid I was around him, and how it was all a joke to him. It happened & it hurt. But most importantly it happened. All I can do is just walk out of that burning building & let it fall.
I won't say I love Justin under any means. Because I don't . But I really like him, and I think maybe someday I could love him.
Love is such a complicated term. So many people think they know what it means but I don't think anyone does. Why do you have to question who you love, when for some people it's so easy to just say i love you. But others, you physically can't say it even if you think you feel it emotionally. I think love is a joke honestly. I think the only people you should ever love is someone you know will always be a part of your life. Family & your best friends. I don't think I'll ever love a boy. Because so many times they leave. You don't know. I don't want to take the risk either. I can say that I loved Dalton, and Travis...but how can love ever be past tense. Isn't love supposed to be forever...?
I miss Dalton, and I don't know why. It's not like we have so many memories...I have more memories with Justin who I've known for a couple weeks compared to the guy who I dated for almost 10 months.
SO all in all. . . I don't feel like my heart is ready to love anyone. I won't say it because the last person I can really remember loving is my grandma...and I don't want to feel like I'm giving that love to anyone else.

love is just too complicated to be played around with. it causes more pain than happiness.

Today was not an okay day. I feel empty and lost. Pretty much.
Me & Travis are fighting. I don't know whats going on with him, but it doesn't feel the same & honestley, I don't want to remember him anymore. I don't have the strength. He helped me a lot when it came to Febreeze. He prevented me from talking to him, or hanging out with him. He made me feel better when all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep...but now it's all fading quickly.
So I talked to Febreeze last night & then Tegan started texting me...talk about random...because we haven't talked for a long long long long time. He's my best friend...He's like the brother I never had. He's pretty much amazing. He asked me what I was doing, and I said talking to Matt & Travis, and he flipped. He's like, I leave you & you go back to him?! I laughed, because he was all serious. and he gave me the '20 good reasons Becca should never talk to Matt' again. and so i stopped texting Matt. :) I guess I'm realizing that boys aren't worth it anymore. i don't even want a boyfriend. Dalton's okay, but personally I don't think we're all that serious...
and Travis? yeah, well, I'll have to get back to you on that.

...i realized im in love with you while waiting for you to text me back...pathetic? yeah, you could say that..

it shouldn't bother me as much as it does when he doesn't text back right away...but it does. So maybe I'm overreacting? Yeah, I'd say. We talked just about all day yesterday while he was working down at the elevator, and I was 'doing nothing'. I haven't told him yet I'm going to MN...but I doubt he cares anyways. He doesn't seem to want to hang out, nor do I want to hang out with him at the moment either. I'm trying to work on my physical appearance. and I don't want anyonne commenting on that. he texted me yesterday saying "rise and shine" and today I got "wake up sleepy head" I need to resist texting him back anyways because I can't keep going over on my texting. My grandpa's getting all shook up about it. Although personally I think it's worth it for who I'm talking to.

I'm excited to go to MN because I need to get away from this place. Everything around here reminds me of him. All the gravel roads we've drove down, being at the park together, seeing him in the hallway, yeah. Even my own house! Good greif. Well I'm in Biology right now & I have nothing to do. There's still like 10 minutes left. Should I check to see if he texted me back yet?

....wait for it....

god dammit.

yes, he didn't text me back. shut up. good lord.

well, I'm going to go now, and possibly cry. this is so dumb.

I'm upset. I'm upset that you don't want the same things I do. I'm upset that you don't think about me constantly, because lord knows i think about you. I'm mad at you. You just drag me along making me think everything will be alright. You lied. It's not alright. I'm hurt. My heart doesn't work right. It hurts when you walk all over it like you do. I'm stupid enough to let you keep doing it though. I'm sad. I would like to cry, but then that would be showing you I'm weak. Knowing you, you'd take advantage of that. Like you take advantage of me. Of my vulnerability. I'd like for nothing more than to fall asleep without you on my mind. I'd love to not care if you don't talk to me for a day, or if you happened to fall off the face of the earth. That'd be okay with me. No of course not. I hate this. I hate it so much. Do you not have a heart? AHH! Just rip my fucking heart out..

not like it would be any different than it is now anyways...

He hasn't texted me since Sunday night...all because I have my lady monster. ho-hum. I didn't want to get my hopes up for anything...a little too late

i don't want to miss you. I'm pretty sure I don't need you.

I talked to Febreeze for awhile yesterday on the way home & idk. He keeps saying he misses me & blah blah blah. ahh. i told him i have my lady monster & then he didn't seem to want to hang out. so i told him to prove to me that he misses me & he's like 'easy' and i told him to explain & he said he can't, he'd have to show me...and idk. i told him when i was like an hour & 1/2 away, and he never texted back cause he was working. but he never texted back after that either. He just never texted back period. I don't understand. I feel sort of empty. I don't know whats going on & I hate that. I mean he said he wants to be 'together' but my term of being together is people knowing. not having to sneak out. thats the whole point of being together. no more lies. i want to be able to say where I'm going & who I'm going with. I want to be able to go to a movie with him, and not have to hide & duck & make up something if someone sees us together. I want to introduce him to my grandparents the right way & idk. I know it'll never be that way exactly with him, but thats what I want. maybe going back to him is a really bad idea. but I still love him to death. i never stopped. and I still want what I've always wanted with him. still. this is all so frustrating. i won't go to him first, and i won't tell him i love him. i'm not ready for that. I'm not waiting around for him. I don't need him, really. I just want him. and yes, I do miss him too.

*you're still the only one*

I've never actually hung out with Matt & not done anything besides talk & kiss. Honest to God. Thats like all we did last night...and ahh. idk. It's just weird, it's like it's not even real. I'm not in reality. I don't understand it. But I'm pretty sure neither of us have the intention of getting serious again...well he sort of does...but we don't really talk about it. I don't know. I'm tired. and my head hurts. I really didn't want to go to school today. I wanted to just sleep forever. and ever. and ever.
Travis is being weird...like anti-social. Well I guess I am too. Idk. He's too far away. I just wanna talk to him, like a pen-pal type of thing. He's sort of sexual in some ways & it's really weird. Like it wasn't that bad at first so I didn't really say anything & I just played along with it; then it started getting worse. idk.
Me & Dalton aren't really talking. I mean, he texted me one night. and i didn't text him back. I'm not going to either, yeah I guess I'm giving up in some ways. Not completely..but I just wanna do what'll make me happy & he stresses me out. I want to tell him that maybe we should see other people but I know he'll flip shit on me. Of course. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do anymore. Go with the flow I guess..
I'm still thinking about Febreeze. We talked about like when we first hung out, and when he got chased down by my dad, and I told him that I'm amazed that he didn't give up on me. He said he tried, really did, and he couldn't. thats why he'd say the mean things to me, hoping I'D be the one to walk away because he couldn't. Like when he said I was just another piece of ass to him...he didn't mean it. He wanted me to leave. I guess I sort of did, and then he said that he felt blah without me, like his life had no meaning and thats why he came back. I told him how I've always felt...how I loved him so much and I felt like he only wanted one thing from me. But you know when you look at the big picture, that wasn't really it at all. He did go through a lot for me. Crawling through windows, crawling OUT of windows, getting chased by my dad, interference with a cop, enduring the cold...as I've gone through a lot for him too. I've lied over and over again just for him & I've snuck out & gotten so close to getting caught. I've been grounded and blah blah blah. Yeah, we talkked about all that stuff. & I asked him why he didn't leave and he simply said: "because I can't."