I'll say all the words that I know>just to see if it would show that I'm trying to let you know that I'm better off on my own.

I'm an emotional wreck. Just about the definition of it. I don't even know where to start.

I'm not talking to Dalton, because I'm tired of being the only one who tries. I always end up being the one to hold everything together & I'm tired of it. He obviously doesn't care if we hang out..or talk..or even ever see each other for that matter. My question is this: will it ever get easier? Or am I always going to get stuck in this mess..with someone who clearly doesn't care about me? He's pretty good at putting on a show, making me think he's the best boyfriend ever..but I'm tired of sitting in the audience watching it over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore other than just take a break from him. Step back & take a breath to reassure myself it'll all be alright.

I hung out with Febreeze last night. Yes, I cheated on my boyfriend. If thats what you even want to call him..I know it was foolish..but I feel like I'm blinded, and I don't think before I act. We didn't do anything other than make out. Which doesn't make it any better, I know. Its just nice to be with someone who is a pro at pretending they care. At least I feel safe, and happy when I'm in his arms. He holds me like he's going to lose me & I feel as though it's where I'm meant to be. I don't regret last night at all. The only thing I regret is not being completely honest with him & telling him how I feel. But how do I feel? Do i want to be with him? Yes, I do...I miss him. I miss talking to him on the phone & I miss having him there to make me laugh. Was he the best option for me? No, not in the least bit, but I can't say I deserve better. granted he makes really stupid choices, and says really stupid things at times, but if I look really hard, I can see past all that, he just needs someone there to help him. . . kinda like I do..I mean am I really better than him? I mess with boys's heads all the time. Making them think I like them, & then walking away. I really can't say I'm any better of an example. Granted I don't try & get in their pants ASAP, but maybe thats all he knows how to do. Really wouldn't suprise me. I do miss him. But idk if it's HIM i miss...or just who I thought he was.

& then there's Travis...this is probably as ridiculous as it gets...but you know, I'm okay with that. I met him on Speeddate, which is probably the most ridiculous part in the least. I went on there because its fun to mess with people, and just meet new people (not for dating purposes persay) and it just so happens we sort of clicked. He is sort of like all the other guys, as in he does like sexual things, but he's not forcive about it, and he doesn't really pressure me into it. But my indecisive mind keeps telling me he's not just another boy. I feel as though I'm addicted to him. I could talk to him for days on end...and when ever he smiles I HAVE to smile. He's adorable, and funny, and perfect in all the wrong ways. he lives in Pennsylvania..and he's already looked up on Hotwire how much it'd cost to come see me. $1,008. Thats hypothetically how much it'd cost if he ever did...but we both wish we lived closer. He says that all the time. I told him he scares the living hell out of me, because I'm just a girl who's scared of being let down...and I feel something pulling me closer & closer to him. It's something I don't even think I can control. He said that even though we've only been talking for 2 days he feels as though he could love me & I sort of feel the same way, not going as far as 'love' though. I really do like him. I just don't know what to do...I don't want to become attached only to have to let go & forget about the hurt that might be caused later...ahh :(

So as I was saying, there's a lot of boy troubles going on right now..it's almost as bad as the high school drama. I just don't trust Dalton, I don't trust him as much as I trust Febreeze...& that's definitley not good. I don't know whats wrong with my heart..i think its defective..

*Fuck, I wanted to marry you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But you had to fuck everything up. Whatever, fuck it.*