I don't have the option of denial because I've already tried that. I really do like Travis, but I've been hanging out with Febreeze a lot more now & I'm getting attached. Granted it isn't hard for me to NOT talk to him, but the more he talks to me & the more he comes around the more I get attached. Easy cycle. I hung out with him last night, an dwe didn't do anything too spectacular. Mostly just talked...he wants me to stay the night some night, and I pretty much already told him I can't. It got really weird because he was sober, and normal. He wasn't high or anything. He was the Matt I first met. We talked about music, and stupid people...and we played the game truth. I asked him why he doesn't get a girlfriend, and he said 'because there's this one girl i really like, but I'm too scared to admit i like her, and i don't really want anyone else but her...' and i really didn't catch on at first, and I tried to make small talk so I didn't seem jealous, and he just started talking really fast, and I didn't catch it all but he's like 'im scared to tell you this because its more than ive felt before & i dont know what to do really. but i dont like being away from you. i dont like not talking to you. i dont like that you think im a player and i use you. i want you to be my real girlfriend. i want to marry you someday. i can see myself with you forever and thats never happened to me before with a girl. and i know you dont feel the same way bc of what i did before, but i know ill always feel this way. even if you dont. i won't ever find anyone to replace you.' and yeah...i just sat there speechless. thats the first time he's really said that stuff to me in person and i had nothing to say back. i think he's right, i don't think I can make myself go back to him. I'm scared of being hurt again, and it's hard to tell if he means what he says or not. maybe he does like me a lot now that we're both aware of each others intentions and we know each other a little better...but i dont want to keep anything a secret & he already has a bad reputation w/ pretty much everyone. I think being in a relationship w/ him would be too frustrating. I wonder what he's thinking about right now. He's probably sleeping...i wish i could be. I don't know what to do...I know no one wants me to be with him, and I'd have a lot of people mad at me for it...but maybe I should just let go of my opinions and restraints and follow my heart for once?
I really do like Travis, but I've come to reality, and in all reality he lives in Pennsylvania, and although I adore him, and his smile, it'd never work like we both want it to. Not only does he not know I'm only 16 & a sophomore in High School, but he also doesn't know that I'm often times an emotional wreck & I'm really independent. He doesn't know my favorite color, he's not aware of what I'm like when I'm hyper. There's a lot he doesn't know about me, and a lot I don't know about him. and he's too far away. He's good to talk to though, he makes me feel tons better. :)
words aren't words until you mean what you say && love isn't love until you give it away.
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